2.02.2007

Careful What You Wish For

I am pretty tired of gamers wanting more "ups". Every so often, a game will come out that is incredibly fun to play, but you'll hear some guy whine "why the hell can't I jump? That's unrealistic!" Is it, Dave? Is it really!!When was the last time you, in your life adventures, completed a jump that accomplished anything significant? Chances are: 8th grade dodge ball, and you probably got beaned in the face right after you landed from your superhuman leg-catapult. In fact, it's unlikely that jumping has ever contributed anything important to your life experience (except trampolines. God bless those damn trampolines and their endless fun/danger). Hell, I bet you've probably caused yourself more harm than good while jumping.

On top of that, stop and think about this game situation in which you want this jumping ability. These complaints, I find, usually arise most in RPGs and some shooters. Do you think it'll help? Do you think there's some guy overseas right now just kicking ass and taking names because of his unrivaled jump-and-shoot technique? I sure don't.

Do you still want jumping? Well, think about this, Captain Selfish: the ability to jump at the level of, say, Mario would cause massive chaos throughout the world -- police commiserating: "Dammit! We would have caught him, but he just jumped right over us." Mothers in dismay: "Has anyone seen my baby? I think she jumped into a nearby tree. This happens all the time!" Daily accidents: "How'd you get that scar, Billy?" "Oh, this thing? I tried to dive into the pool when I was 12, and jumped right over the damn thing." Like I said, chaos.

So think twice next time you ask for jumping. If you want realism, fine, you can have your 1-foot jump. Have fun vaulting heroically over street curbs.
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