2.26.2007

Varsity Wii

When the Wii first came out, news surfaced of some glorified blogger (hate those guys) who had used his Wii to lose weight. Believe it or not, the guy apparently lost the weight without changing any other aspects of his lifestyle. Most were dubious of this, but now, some university researchers have determined that playing Wii, versus sitting around doing nothing, can help children burn up to 1800 extra calories a week...Let's think about this, though, 1800 calories? And I think that was with the test kids playing something like 20 hours/week. Not to mention the kids burned 500 calories playing normal video games, so your Wii is giving you about 200 calories of exercise a day, which I think is on par with laughing for 3 minutes or, say, shaking someone's hand. Yes, exaggerations, but really? Wii exercise? Teaching your kid that he can be "fit" by playing Wii tennis will not, I guarantee you, make him an all-star athlete in college....unless of course college sports assimilate into the Wii craze....

[cue dream sequence]
It could be wonderful. Universities could save millions on equipment and facilities. Instead of a football stadium, just get your Wii Athletes (Wiithletes?) to file into a room and play NCAA football against the rival team. Heck, students wouldn't even have to leave their dorms to watch the game, since it would be streamed over the net. Why haven't we thought of this before?

It could expand into the professional sphere, too. Instead of NBA ballers endorsing shoes with their fake signatures on them, they could endorse Wiimotes and Nunchucks with their fake signatures on them! You'd have to be careful though. Wiithletes might start to sneak performance enhancing steroids to max out their wrist flicks, under the tremendous pressure to perform and get endorsement deals. The olympics themselves could become entirely Wii-centric! People are already throwing their Wiimotes through TVs, why not throw them like javelins? You could even see the glories of Greco-Roman wrestling without all the unflattering uniforms, thanks to the who-can-shake-the-Wiimote-faster matches.

Scientists, on behalf of all mankind I say, thank you. Thank you for ushering us into a new era of Wii Life, where we can avoid all the nuisances of real life, cease to play games that put us in some fantastic flashy hero role, and finally come to realize that what is most fun about video games is performing real-life mundane tasks without the inconveniences of actually doing them. Probably somewhat due to your hard work, we can now already cook, play tennis, perform surgery, and go fishing from the comfort of our couches, burning DOZENS of calories all the while. Professor Xavier was right. We are evolving!

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